Turkmenistan

In classic Gravy fashion I undertook a project, got a little bored and let the world get in the way of my completing it.

But I'm back.

In relation to a previous post I just spent sometime with a man from Zambia. He was 40 something, with eyes that almost popped out his sockets. He was a copper miner and he invented a very lucrative way to chemically strip the mineral from his country with sulfuric acid. Nevertheless the lucrative chemical mining process fucks the surrounding water table.

But I digress. He was vivacious, with an infectious high pitches laugh, a snore like a hippo being chainsawed and the propensity to snap photos at an alarming rate. He came to see the snow, and see the Swiss Alps he did, he came to duty free shop, and in the tax haven of Andorra he bought more lenses than a Chinese optometrist and he came to bang prostitutes.

He did.

He told me that Zambian emeralds are more expensive than diamonds, the really good ones. I questioned his visiting Switzerland and Andorra considering he was in the business of digging things up. He also told me that Zambia was a stable country, with some kind of democracy, a short and gore light civil war and a moderate rate of AIDS.

I told you so.

Turkmenistan, on the other hand, is fucked. Since the death of its "Glorious Leader for Life", Turkmenbashi, (Big-T) the country has made the slightest of improvements. Under Big-T the country, which is one of the worlds largest gas producers and near to China the worlds largest gas consumer, and its countrymen suffered abject poverty.

Big-T and his family lived large with quite an impressive investment portfolio, including properties in London's Mayfair.

He also renamed the months after himself and his family, renamed the sea after his long deceased mother, built the most elaborate of monuments to himself, including an ice palace in the desert and plastered the country with his own image.

The most interesting part of his reign, however, was the publication of his book. Called the Ruhnama it is not only mandatory reading for all Turkmenistan's citizens, it is still the sole reference for school and university exams, and even needs to be learnt for driving tests.

It basically outlines how amazing Big-T is (was) and how sweet the Turkmen are. And that Big-T better be obeyed or else. If you read it three times you gained automatic heaven entry.

And here are all these other Muslims blowing themselves up for the same privilege.

Big-T wisely spent his country's gas revenue on launching the book into space once. Just because he could and the book said that nobody else could say that he couldn't.

All of the girls in Turkmenistan have mono-brows.

Turks and Caicos

Population: Beach boys and big booties.
Located: Near Jamaica.
Known for: Being near Jamaica.

Remember the movie "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"? Attractive middle aged black female finds herself an economic success but romantic failure in San Francisco. She is encouraged by Whoopi Goldberg, that bizzare-on-the-eyeball fusion of negroid and Jew, to take a deserved break to Jamaica. There she fucks a man 20 years her junior, and consequently gets her 'groove back'.

This movie is representative of a growing trend - female sex tourism (fst). Usually, however, the protagonists aren't attractive, successful or black. They are white and they travel to the worlds poorer regions to pursue that mythical black cock.

Jamaica is the world's number one fst destination. The islands of Turks and Caicos are a British colony formed when Jamaica gained independence. I feel sorry for the men of Turks and Caicos as they must feel the wobbly brunt of middle England's unstimulated spinsters, while the poorer carbon copies in Jamaica get the Swedes and the Yanks and the other, less systematically disgusting, needy vaginas.

The men utilised in fst are globally known as 'Beach Boys'. This is because they typically work menial jobs on the beaches which vie with black wang as the primary reason single cold females choose tropical, negro infested, destinations. They either work on the beach or hang out on the beach, and they are muscular and they say the right things. The female, for her part, is comparatively wealthy. She is willing to buy dinner and breakfast. She is willing to leave donations.

She is, effectively, paying for sex. The guys are inexplicit prostitutes. The girls are johns, though they can tell themselves otherwise. They can pretend that what occurred was romance. That the guy really liked her. He told her he did, he told her she was beautiful. He said, "baby I like your butt". He said, "hmmm damn I need to get me some of that white pussy".

He does. And she discovers that the majority of black cocks are the same as white cocks. And that the beach boys are narcissists who skip foreplay. Everyone with muscles is a foreplay skipping narcissist, a theory I have developed that reinforces my personal image and keeps my lazy limbs out of gymnasiums.

In the morning she pays for breakfast, she pays for lunch, she pays for eveything. It makes sense, she is from the rich white world. When she leaves he asks her for rent money, it's due and he can't pay.

Why not, she thinks. For her it's a pittance and she couldn't bear to see him on the streets. The streets are dirt. Her lover would begin a downward spiral. The better beach boys convince the girls to help them get to the western world.

This happens to Stella. Stella and her husband live happily ever after. How Stella Got Her Groove Back is based on a book written by Terry McMillan, which was in turn based on the authors actual experience. She went to Jamaica and met a beach boy named Jonathon Plummer. They married, they made a book and a movie. A world of fst's were inspired. He was 20 years her junior, a young, virile black stallion.

In 2004 Plummer told McMillan he was gay. The year after they divorced. He had his papers and half her fortune. She had been getting fucked without foreplay by a homo for the last 6 years.

He wasn't a prostitute, though...

Tuvalu

Population: 11,000.
Located: No higher than four metres above sea level in the Pacific.
Known for: Dot TV.

I asked my friend Buddha what he knew about Tuvalu. Not in a meditative sense, nor in a religious way, but my flesh and blood friend who's parents devoutly named him after Gautama Siddhartha. The other night in a bar a Swedish Somalian introduced himself to Buddha. His name was Mohammad. Seeing as though we are in Spain a quick sweep of the bar would have found a Mexican named Jesus, for sure. Then Buddha and Mohammad and Jesus could have sat down and had a chat, worked some shit out.

When I was introduced to Mohammad a Canadian guy I was with, Matt, told him he looked like Brazillian striker Ronaldo. He then realised his faux pas and retracted saying, "not because of your teeth, because of your hair". For those of you who know of Ronaldo you would know that his prominent, bucked, teeth are his most identifiable feature.

Mohammad looked like he had sprung from a roll in the hay between a curly haired ET and Mr Ed.

When I asked Buddha about Tuvalu he said that all he knew of Tuvalu is that they were lazy, due to the fact they just stole the Australian flag and added more stars and that they were black.

This isn't entirely true. For starters they aren't entirely black. They are Polynesian, which, unlike Melanesians, tend to be brown. Think Hawaiian, Maori, Tahitian. Melanesians are blacker. We came across them already in Vanuatu and we will again in Papua New Guinea and The Solomon Islands. There are also Meganesians, which are the Australian Aboriginal people.

Poor bastards.

Tuvalu was formed when the Polynesians could no longer handle being lumped together with Melanesian scum whilst members of the British colony of Gilbert and Ellis Islands. Polynesians are proud, arrogant, fierce, regal. They wage war with sharpened clubs and dine on their enemies. They have monarchies that last 'till this day. They tattoo their life stories on themselves. They are the noble savage embodied.

Melanesians are friendly. Their hair is fuzzy and they live in the jungle. They are less noble and more savage. When provoked they will attack with ferocity and cunning, with machetes and improvised modern weapons.

The Polynesians of the Gilbert and Ellis Islands colony became Tuvalu, the Melanesians Kiribati.

Whilst not black, they are lazy. They are provided for most of their needs from the island and the sea. Their climate is hot. The menfolk do little but fish. Fishing for non commercial purposes is hardly an occupation. It is more of a pastime.

Tuvalu's history is rather mundane. They recognised the sovereignty of Taiwan. The Taiwanese, in turn, built Tuvalu's biggest building - a mind boggling three stories of absolute rubbish. Square and uninspiring.

Tuvalu also leased its internet suffix, .tv. This netted the government there a whopping 50 million dollars over a 12 year lease. This shows that white people will always be able to short change brown and, especially, black people. Even when it is no longer colonial policy.

In some years when, or if, the ice poles melt Tuvalu will be underwater. It stands at four metres above sea level at the highest point. If that happened soon the world may raise a solitary eyebrow.

If it happens in a decade or so our collective problems will have reached such a point that no one will either notice, nor care.

And we will wish that Buddha and Mohammad and Jesus sat down and had that beer.

Uganda

Population: 30 odd million.
Located: Land locked North East Africa.
Known for: Idi.

I met a Ugandan, once. I may have met others, but they have blurred into the same man, a black African man at university. I have met many black African men at university and they were always pretty strange, pretty rich, pretty opinionated and pretty keen to sell me on the idea of Africa being misunderstood. One even tried to sell me on his parents safari lodge. I assured him it was out of my price range.

The Ugandan I remember meeting was white. He was made even more white by his being afflicted by alopecia. There was no hair shading anywhere. At first I thought he was an albino but he didn't have red eyes. Albinos have red eyes.

He was a big bastard, a rugby player. He was a river guide in Uganda, a river guide on the river Nile. I thought the Nile was only in Egypt, but I'm ignorant. The Nile runs through Uganda also, and is volatile enough to extreme sport on, though when it gets to Egypt it is mellow and the population relies on it for water.

I wonder if Kiwis more readily associate the Nile with Uganda, given their hard-on for extreme sports. Most Kiwis bleed Red Bull, wankers.

The first time I came across Uganda, however, was as a child. My parents, in their infinite wisdom, had hired a movie called "Idi Amin: Rise and Fall" and allowed me to watch it with them. The movie was made in 1981 as was Mad Max 2 and Superman 2 and Raiders of the Lost Ark. I am sure we didn't watch it in 1981 as I wouldn't have remembered it.

I remember it. I remember a black man eating people. I remember a black man killing people. I remember a black man raping people. I remember a white man being a hero of some sort. The film was graphic, little more than violent pornography. It was scarred into my developing mind along with the main character's name - Idi Amin.

Idi Amin was the military dictator of Uganda between 1970 something and 1970 something. He was in power for around six years, more or less. He killed somewhere between 80 000 and 500 000 people. Hippies say 500 000 and nazis say 80 000. The world is that easily defined. Hippies and Nazis.

Of course I don't mean actual hippies and nazis. Actual hippies lived around the same time as Idi was in power, they had a much better time due to all the acid and free love. Actual Nazis killed many more people than Idi, but they never ate anyone, as far as I know. Idi Amin, who admired Adolph Hitler, once said that Hitler was, "right to burn six million Jews". Now come on Idi.

Hippies are left wingers and nazis are right wingers. These are terms I am going to use to make our lives easier from now on. There is also a third type of hippy. These are my least favourite type of people. They come from rich families and for a short part of their lives, usually while in university (which their parents pay for), present themselves as paupers. In Europe they drive in shit vans with mongrel dogs. They have dreadlocks and smoke dope and wear rubbish colourful clothes. They pretend to be poor because they don't want to do anything. They have enough of that lifestyle and go home and stay with their parents again. They sport bare feet and tread in dog poo and hate it.

Here in Barcelona many European kids arrive to reinvent themselves. Their reinvention ends with their hair in knots and with them flicking around sticks and giving me the shits.

But I digress.

Idi was eventually deposed and there was never any concrete proof that he ate anyone. He moved to Saudi Arabia and died there. He was a Muslim, though I don't want to insinuate that this is why he was a cunt. It was because he was an African. His way of thinking was shaped by the fact that his immediate ancestors were villagers. If you couple that with his desire for the trappings of the western world, a world he knew through Uganda's colonial history - the big man was in the British Army for a while and achieved the highest ranking possible for a non-white soldier.

He wanted the opulence but didn't know how to handle it.

In 2007 a movie was released called "The Last King of Scotland". It stars Forrest Whitaker as Idi and is pretty historically correct. There are some discrepancies, the main character never existed, for example, but otherwise it's pretty good. At the end the fictitious Scottish doctor escapes and Idi is furious and executes someone and then there is some archival footage of him yelling and then some text which reads:

"Forty-eight hours after some hostages were released, Israeli forces stormed Entebbe and liberated all but one of the remaining hostages. International public opinion turned against Amin for good. When he was finally overthrown in 1979, jubilant crowds poured onto the streets. His regime had killed more than 300,000 Ugandans and expelled tens of thousands of Asians who had made Uganda their home for years. Amin died in exile in Saudi Arabia on 16 August 2003. Nobody knows if that was the day he dreamed about.

These days in Uganda children are forced to work for the Lord's Resistance Army. The boys are given guns and sent to the frontline. The girls are made into wives. The leader, one Joseph Kony, has over 60. There is another conflict in the north of Uganda which has resulted in thousands of deaths and displacements. The people are desperately poor and live in fear of being raided, raped, murdered, stolen.

In the picture Idi is being carried by some white businessmen, with some prominent Swede shading him from the sun with an umbrella, blind eyes firmly turned.

Ukraine

Population: Vampires, gypsies, skinheads, prostitutes, weightlifters and spies.
Located: In Russia.
Known for: I wish Ivan Drago was from the Ukraine, or that it was called Ukrainia.

Ukraine. This one of those countries where the girls look incredible and the guys have the heads of potatoes. I have never understood this. I have never understood how a society with such an aesthetic discrepancy between males and females can ever be repopulated. I always assume that the female spies would stay with the foppish Brits and plastic headed Yanks they are espionaging rather than go back to the lumpy headed, wide eyed vampires clawing at the other side of the Iron Curtain.

One of the uglier Ukrainian males is Victor Yushchenko. He is the Ukrainian president. His eyes are tiny, like the eyes of a lizard and his lips are thin, like those of a chicken. His nose is overwhelmingly human, though uninspiring, and this menagerie of rubbish is all positioned on a coupon inspired by a round root vegetable. And then, during an election campaign, his face swelled, making his eyes squint even more and his pores enlarged but didn't expand with his face, which went outwards and outwards, resulting in pock marks and the skin texture of a burns victim, if the burns victim's face was the moon getting pelted by a flaming hot meteor shower if the meteors were lit safety matches.

It came to light that he was the victim of espionage, no doubt effected by the previously mentioned splendid female Ukrainians. That is another aspect of these Slavic bastards - they are always creative with their assassinations, or attempted assassinations. No point shooting someone, or strangling them from behind with a piano cord. No way. Your Eastern Bloc assassin prefers poison, and not just poison that you find in your Grandpa's shed, not the stuff with a skull and bones on the label, but radioactive gear that makes you look like cancer, or other shit that made poor Victor's face swell to elephantmanentine proportions and threatened to close those shrimpy eyes for good.

When Australian Prime Minister Harold Holt disappeared while swimming off Melbourne Soviet espionage was blamed. The media proposed that Russians had appropriated the frolicking aquatic Holt with one of their submarines. They proposed that it was in response to the seven troops Australia sent to Vietnam. And, given the Russian propensity for elaborate espionage, the public accepted this as a viable explanation as to the Prime Minister's disappearance.

Like there was a lobster shaped sub that plucked him by his budgie smugglers as he negotiated the Portsea shore break. Surely, if the Soviets wanted off with our PM, and I dare say they didn't even know who he was, an assassination born by a simple bullet sent by sniper, even while he was swimming, would be more cost proportionate to the offending Australian troop deployment.

The motherlickers could even dip the bullet in poison, if that so tickled their creative murderous fancies.

Or, better yet, send some of those delightful femme fatales from the Ukraine. Perhaps they could entice Harold deeper and deeper, past the breakers, past where he could stand. They would flash their delightful Slavic breasts and beckon him to swim "just a little further", where they would marvel at the uniformity of his round head, the decent spacing of his eyeballs.

Then they would push him under and hold him there between their muscular thighs where, with the memory of their accents and his proximity to their caviar dispensers, he would die the pleasant of deaths. A death befitting of a statesman, a gentleman, a good bloke.

R.I.R Harry
Rest In Rips

United Arab Emirates

Population: A small amount of sheiks, a shitload of servants.
Location: Somewhere so hot and sandy it would piss anyone off.
Known for: Dubai and its slave labour.

Like the United States, the United Kingdom and the European Union the United Arab Emirates is a collection of countries that could, individually, be states. They group together so that they can better combat the economic bullying of bigger countries.

The EU is a good idea because they are now the economic equivalent of the USA. The UK because it's a historical hangover.

The UAE is the same idea but made up of Arabs.

God help us.

The United Kingdom

Population: Tens of millions
Located: Off the coast of Europe
Known for: The Queen

Sorry for the delay. This has been a hard couple of destinations on Gravy's World. First the United States, and then the United Kingdom. It would have been much easier to write about their constituent parts. I have been for the UK anyway, remember the Wales piece?

I quite look forward to doing my guide to England, Scotland and Northern Ireland. But I am suffering from anxiety as to what can be written about the entire Kingdom.

Before the wars the sun never set on the British Empire. Now it sets early in winter and late in summer.

Before the wars the British were the world's preeminent power. Their navy was unmatched in the world. They could fight two sea battles at once, in two different oceans, and still be supremely confident they would win.

They shot natives on every continent. You may say, "not South America". You would be ignorant. They had British Guiana and they shot natives there. They shot many natives in Africa, Australia, North America and Asia.

They shot natives in Europe in the form of Irishmen.

They went to Belize, in Central America, and shot natives there.

I think they shot the most natives on the Indian Subcontinent. There were many rebellions, which were ended by the British shooting the Indians. They were all Indians. When the British left they made them Indians and Pakistanis and Bangladeshis. They all don't like each other now.

Now the peoples from the countries that used to host the British are hosting themselves in Britain. Indians and Bangladeshis are called Pakis, as are Pakis. Nigerian youths ride buses with mobile phones held in hands and blasting rap music. The rap music is rubbish and the Nigerian youths dare you to say something.

When I first moved to the British Isles a Nigerian youth shot a lady in the head. The lady was at a christening and was holding the baby being christened. The youth shot the lady and he and his friends robbed the christening. This occured just around the corner from where I was living.

White British still make the majority of the population. The others, the ones of other colours make the minority. They may or may not do the majority of crimes, but that is the impression that one gets. In any event they commit a disproportionate amount of crimes compared to their slice of the demographic.

The White British demand they leave. They say Britain is for the White British. The immigrants ancestors used to say the same thing to the White British people's ancestors. The whites shot the coloureds. Now the coloureds stab the whites.

That is like doing a piss and the piss bouncing up and spraying your jeans.