Tuvalu

Population: 11,000.
Located: No higher than four metres above sea level in the Pacific.
Known for: Dot TV.

I asked my friend Buddha what he knew about Tuvalu. Not in a meditative sense, nor in a religious way, but my flesh and blood friend who's parents devoutly named him after Gautama Siddhartha. The other night in a bar a Swedish Somalian introduced himself to Buddha. His name was Mohammad. Seeing as though we are in Spain a quick sweep of the bar would have found a Mexican named Jesus, for sure. Then Buddha and Mohammad and Jesus could have sat down and had a chat, worked some shit out.

When I was introduced to Mohammad a Canadian guy I was with, Matt, told him he looked like Brazillian striker Ronaldo. He then realised his faux pas and retracted saying, "not because of your teeth, because of your hair". For those of you who know of Ronaldo you would know that his prominent, bucked, teeth are his most identifiable feature.

Mohammad looked like he had sprung from a roll in the hay between a curly haired ET and Mr Ed.

When I asked Buddha about Tuvalu he said that all he knew of Tuvalu is that they were lazy, due to the fact they just stole the Australian flag and added more stars and that they were black.

This isn't entirely true. For starters they aren't entirely black. They are Polynesian, which, unlike Melanesians, tend to be brown. Think Hawaiian, Maori, Tahitian. Melanesians are blacker. We came across them already in Vanuatu and we will again in Papua New Guinea and The Solomon Islands. There are also Meganesians, which are the Australian Aboriginal people.

Poor bastards.

Tuvalu was formed when the Polynesians could no longer handle being lumped together with Melanesian scum whilst members of the British colony of Gilbert and Ellis Islands. Polynesians are proud, arrogant, fierce, regal. They wage war with sharpened clubs and dine on their enemies. They have monarchies that last 'till this day. They tattoo their life stories on themselves. They are the noble savage embodied.

Melanesians are friendly. Their hair is fuzzy and they live in the jungle. They are less noble and more savage. When provoked they will attack with ferocity and cunning, with machetes and improvised modern weapons.

The Polynesians of the Gilbert and Ellis Islands colony became Tuvalu, the Melanesians Kiribati.

Whilst not black, they are lazy. They are provided for most of their needs from the island and the sea. Their climate is hot. The menfolk do little but fish. Fishing for non commercial purposes is hardly an occupation. It is more of a pastime.

Tuvalu's history is rather mundane. They recognised the sovereignty of Taiwan. The Taiwanese, in turn, built Tuvalu's biggest building - a mind boggling three stories of absolute rubbish. Square and uninspiring.

Tuvalu also leased its internet suffix, .tv. This netted the government there a whopping 50 million dollars over a 12 year lease. This shows that white people will always be able to short change brown and, especially, black people. Even when it is no longer colonial policy.

In some years when, or if, the ice poles melt Tuvalu will be underwater. It stands at four metres above sea level at the highest point. If that happened soon the world may raise a solitary eyebrow.

If it happens in a decade or so our collective problems will have reached such a point that no one will either notice, nor care.

And we will wish that Buddha and Mohammad and Jesus sat down and had that beer.