Uzbekistan

Population: more than Australia
Located: Butt Fuck Central Asia
Known for: What isn't it known for?

Travelling the world can be shithouse work. First you have to get there. For Australians we have to fly, which is fucked. Then you have to worry about visas and the arseholes at immigration, which is crap. Then when you get there you have to worry about the customs and laws of the place, you don't want to offend anyone, get arrested, murdered, sick from doing the wrong thing. So you are in this constant state of quasi-fear, always second guessing yourself, never able to relax, be yourself, because maybe these motherfuckers DON"T LIKE yourself. So you slither around like a little poofter, always worried about what everyone is thinking, taking care not to do anything out of line, heaven forbid you rock the boat....

Well I've got a solution - let's make a country!

First thing you need is some territory. You need land and you need definable borders. Many people trying to make their own country just try and make one within the borders of the country they are living in - maybe they are unhappy with the current government, maybe they just don't get along with anyone else. In any event this is a STUPID idea. You have three hundred and sixty degrees of enemies, enemies who wouldn't have been too happy that you forged a country out of their existing country. And I'm not merely talking about the government. There are going to be all kinds of upset civillians, nationalist idiots, red necks, the uneducated, the patriotic, who are going to try and get in. And once you have instigated your own utopia I am sure there are going to be types trying to get a slice, types you don't want, turning up at your borders, trying to get in, banging their dreadlocks and fire sticks on your walls. Fuck those hippies.

Islands are good. Water is a great, maybe the best, natural boundary. I choose the northern half of Madagascar, giving the southern half to the displaced Madagascans. There is enough jungle and mountainous terrain in the middle of Madagascar to slow down invaders. Also the weather is warm, there is heaps of fruit, there is surf, and there are lemurs.

Once you've got a territory you need a population. In my Madagascan utopia I am going to expel the current inhabitants and import my friends. I will employ South African mercenaries, because they are cruel motherfuckers and I will retain some of the locals for slave labour purposes, because I don't want any of my citizens to overexert themselves.

Now with your population and territory you need to establish some form of government. In Northern Madagascar you can do whatever you want unless I find it annoying. I find many things annoying, so I'll start a little (non exhaustive) list: reggae music, marijuana, hippies, shit locks, religious leaders, overly religious people, hard work, hippies and handicapped people. Also rubbish tats will have to be removed before entry is granted. I will be the ultimate arbiter of what is annoying and not, though I am definitely open to suggestions. Oh and people who care about cars, and people who get personally offended by things not personally done to them. Out! And it is a bit harsh to not allow handicapped people, so I'll accept them on a case by case basis; if you have accepted your handicap and get on with it, for example, you are more welcome than an able bodied person. But for every citizen if you annoy me you get two warnings, afterwards you are out.

Once you've got that you need an economy. We are going to grow dope and export every last dreg. We'll also sell good times, the most delicious rum in the world and mobile phones with cigarette lighters and bottle openers built in. And with a compartment for your keys. And see through toasters and beer cartons you can put your ice directly in. And, like other small countries, we'll register many boats and offshore bank accounts, so we can make a little bit of cheddar without actually dealing too much with the arseholes that own luxury yachts and require non-invasive banking.

The last step is creating some international relations. I am not fussed about getting accepted into the United Nations, but you need to be recognised by other countries in order to become your own country. I'll just approach some of the world's smaller nations, the little bird shit covered specks in the Pacific Ocean, the principalities of Europe, and some of the less ruined African nations and exchange mobile phones for their recognition. Even offer to buy some of their coconuts, diamonds, cheese, whatever.

Then we'll be a country.

Oh, and it will need a name. I like adding -stan to the end of words to make country names, so we'll be called "Gravistan".

The Uzbeks did this with Uzbekistan. They also, stupidly, carved their territory out of the former USSR. Then they populated the place along ethnic lines - you may look alike, but you probably think differently. Their laws, though, and leader are spot on. The leader, one Islam Karimov, has been in power since they gained independence from the Soviets in 1991. Like me he also disallows only that that annoys him, opposition to his rule, for example. He violently squashes any and all opposition and resistence to his rule, and I respect that, because he has his own country and he can do what he wants. He wouldn't be welcome in mine, but why would he want to come?

I'm not sure what his position is on hippies, probably similar to mine.

A few hundred people made the mistake to oppose his rule in 1992 and he blew the fuck out of them. I wouldn't do that, my South African mercenaries would after politely asking them to leave. They were Islamists, so they wouldn't be living in my country anyway.

The other thing he does, that I wouldn't do, is be corrupt. I'd be making so much cheddar from my see-through toasters that I wouldn't need to be.