Vietnam

Population: Nearly ninety million.
Located: East Asia.
Known for: Gary Glitter.

My friend's sister took he and I to a Vietnamese dinner in London a while back. The waiters had black hair and slim eyes, their cheekbones were invariably high. We drank tiger beer and our noodles were clear and duck a-r-o-m-a-t-i-c. If I didn't know, prior to dining there, that we were in a Vietnamese restaurant, I would have assumed we were in a Chinese restaurant.

This is because either I am ignorant, or they plain look alike.

A culinary give away, perhaps the only one, is the transparency of the noodles. But one gets so caught up in the infinite delights of the MSG that they don't notice these things. To this day I don't know if the noodles were transparent or translucent. Neither I, nor you, should care.

Like the noodles there are differences in the respective heads that only the anal pick up on. I am not anal so I cannot for the life of me list them. I'm am sure that either Chinese or Vietnamese have slantier eyes than the other but I'm not sure which way it goes. I assume that Vietnamese have the browner of the skin, because they are closer to the equator. Both will go to extreme lengths to lighten their skin.

In that region a tan is a sign of poverty, it's a mark of the rural, denoting countless hours spent bent back in the rice paddies. The upper classes aren't tanned, the middle classes buy creams to burn the tans off, the lower classes are covered in tan, apart from where their loin clothes lie. Both states, however, are classless utopias.

There was a pretty big war in Vietnam. First the French were kicked out, because they had no right to have a colony there, then the Yanks turned up because they're Yanks and that's what the cunts do. That turned into a shitfight, the Yanks dropped more bombs, then left, and inevitably there was a unified Communist Vietnam.

Hooray! Despite this there are still people with tans and people without tans. As in China.

Vietnam is also a place where a creep like Gary Glitter can get his rocks off. If Gary did that in China they would have immediately blown his head off. Perhaps that is a difference.

I classify Vietnam as East Asia, with China, with whom they are almost identical, and Japan, with whom they are absolutely different.

Japanese surfers have deep tans and punk hairstyles and are rad motherfuckers. Chinese and Vietnamese are not.